My last post was quite a while ago~

Since then, events have piled up on one another in my mind-I haven't really sorted them out, so I keep bumping into them unexpectedly and moving them out of the way for the moment, just as I do the mail I don't have time to sort and read and actually DO something with.

The last two years have had challenges and rewards, emotional highs and lows, and seems to have gone by in a blink, to borrow a phrase from a movie.. putting it all in perspective and some kind of order requires time for reflection; and in my psyche I tend to revisit events as I do photos, with a lot of emotion. Truthfully, my feelings take so much energy I don't feel up to confronting them! I try to compartmentalize and move on to other things, but that doesn't really happen. Things just sit there, and I stub my heart on them in quiet moments. I believe that is why I try to keep overly busy--to avoid issues that need to be resolved and decisions that I need to make to move forward with my real life.

It is said that when a person discovers what he or she really values in life, it will be easy to find the time and energy to pursue those objectives-- Those are nice words, but so vague and all-encompassing. I think being taught that I could do anything I wanted to in life - because I was smarter than average - did me a disservice in the end. Too many options can be just as crippling as not enough, is the realization I came to.. I'm never going to be an astronaut, a ballerina or a surgeon, so I can cross those things off my list.

Sometimes when I think of something I could do, I run through a scenario of me doing whatever it is in my mind, so I am exhausted by the imaginary me, and the physical me discards it! What is this telling me, for crying out loud??? When faced with the actuality of choosing a path and going there, I seem to become immobilized, unable to act. I've heard it called fear of success.

I'm currently at one of those crossroads at which I must choose a path, and I have been avoiding doing so for some time. My fears keep me from really living, and I am aware that I am avoiding them. 'What if~' scenarios and imaginings are becoming more active lately, and I feel edgy and nervous.  I have been getting some good input from people I trust~ and some verbal nudging, which really is the more constructive thing at this point.

So far I have created more of a mess in my physical space-being 'in process' seems to keep me from focusing because I have to actively ignore things (using mental energy) instead of calmly taking things one at a time. I've always fought order and have been rebellious about the mundane overtaking me. So I am totally disorganized and at loose ends, while somehow being able to get myself to the final outcome, but at a cost I'm discovering is too great for real peace to come into my life. 

 So, here I am making another organization plan. More on this a little later. I think I have cleared the cobwebs enough that I can go do the dishes now.

Love,

ME